and another thing

i miss texas so much. so fucking much. barton springs and the intersection of lamar and 6th and the drive out to my house and my dogs and my parents and the horses and my stupid evil cat and sagan's house and drinking coronas under covered patios or on a boat out on the lake. camping and driving my mama's big truck and, dare i say it, kase 101 radio. the rusty spur and the capitol lawn and the bat bridge and just everything.

week of brutal honesty

two events are the impetus for this:

1. one of my oldest friends from junior high is getting a tattoo. she and i and our other friends were very close with a particular teacher at our school who was young and hip and allowed us to fuck around like the fuck ups we were. he died a year after we went to high school on april first. it's hard to explain the significance of this briefly, but i still think about him seven years later and wonder how my life would've been had he not died. i am almost positive that his death is what made me appreciate the study of history, among other things. cooking, too. so my friend is getting a tattoo of his glasses which, today, would be real stylish y'all. but back then they were nothing more than one of the many distinguishing characteristics of this man. i should probably write about mr owens sometime because he was the first person close to me to die among other more important things. i wrote a song about him once. every year for maybe 5 years after he died i would write him a letter.

2. on saturday evening i went to a seder, put together by some of my friends. it was my first time so i don't have anything to compare it to, but i'm still thinking about it so i think that means it was good.  for one of the parts of the seder, i had my hands washed by the person next to me and was supposed to state something i wanted to learn to let go of. everyone went through the same process, either silently or not.

i wanted to let go of not being able to let go. i didn't say it out loud because, at first, i didn't realize that that was what i was thinking. i was thinking about the people and the things and the moments in my life right now that still make me uneasy, upset, or just sad, depending on the time of day. they were connected by my inability or unwillingness to let go of them.  i don't think that's an uncommon human tradition, but for some reason my way of executing it feels different and a little more frantic.  a little more desperate. what's that about?

anyway, the same friend getting said tattoo used to do this thing in high school called the "week of brutal honesty" where she would list 7 lies she allowed people to believe and 7 truths she often denied.

and so i give you, my week of brutal honesty.

some lies i usually allow people to believe:

- the majority of my break-ups have been truly mutual (maybe it looks that way on the surface but i'm pretty sure i'm almost always the saddest about it ending)

- i'm totally comfortable with myself

- i'm over it

- i don't get jealous

- i brush my teeth every night

some truths i often deny:

- i don't really trust people to treat me well

- sometimes i'm scared of the dark

- if i got in a fist fight, i don't know if i would win

- i'll argue a point even if i don't believe entirely in it just because i don't like to be wrong

- i absolutely hate feeling left out

- one time a few years ago i knowingly drank the rest of my housemate's juice out of revenge

that last one has never really come up but it sure feels good to get that off my chest. and, here is something that i will never let go of:

i fucking loved that truck.

ripe as a peach

also:

handle with care

this morning, i took charm city to the airport and instead of going immediately back to bed, i decided to enjoy the morning that i rarely see. so i'm sitting at the haymarket with a warm(!) oatcake and tea. i guess this means i'm becoming an adult, all with the being up early thing.

i'm not even going to talk about the time between me and graduating. but i am forming plans including buying a scooter and a summer spent reveling in being out of school for the first time since i was 5 and drinking beers.

which is all i have to say.

that grrl thinks she's the queen of the neighborhood

here's a collection of thoughts:

- i wish la roux wasn't such a terrible person.
- i'm starting to come around to the word "pussy" (hah get it, "come" around)
- i may be one of those people who likes to make my bed everyday now (thanks charm city)
- i wonder how much time i actually waste in relation to how much time i think i waste
- i pass div iii on my birthday
- i stopped taking birth control 3 weeks ago and it was the best decision i've made in a long time, because now my moods are back to normal and i'm not 90% depressed all the time
- but my period is coming and the pain that will surely accompany it scares me cause i'm back at square one

the end, but here's this:

warning: vague

well, this is unexpected.

so, have a poem, by e e cummings.
-
in spite of everything
which breathes and moves,since Doom
(with white longest hands
neatening each crease)
will smooth entirely our minds

-before leaving my room
i turn,and(stooping
through the morning)kiss
this pillow,dear
where our heads lived and were.

today's date is a palindrome

goals for 2k10 / life:

1. pursue more of what makes me happy
2. let it go
3. worry less
4. eat more fruit
5. graduate college
6. spend less time on the computer
7. and more time outside, once it's not a fucking tundra
8. be less cautious and more deliberate
9. be a good daughter
10. be honest, always