Wednesday, May 12, 2010

dedicated to the few

a lot of people talk about how great facebook is for reuniting with people who have fallen by the wayside over the years - former classmates, estranged relatives, whatever - but it does not help at all with the people who you sometimes miss, but have burned bridges with. when that kid who taunted you mercilessly in middle school friends you, saying "fuck off asshole" and clicking "deny" feels good and is easy. but what about those people, those "friends," who you can still stalk and check up on, but would never ever let them know about it?

the people who have been significant in my life that i now intentionally no longer talk to are a blessed few. for one of them, it was my own decision that i am (usually) glad i made. another, it was her decision to cut ties with me for what i imagine was self-preservation, hurt, or not knowing how to deal. i can't say for sure because, well, she cut ties with me. there was one i ceremoniously un-friended from facebook and i doubt that he ever even realized it.

i wonder sometimes if these people ever think of me, ever mourn the way things ended, ever talk about me. what do they say? what do these people take away after knowing me?

does it matter? probably not. is it curiosity that makes me wonder, or insecurity?

in moments of weakness i am tempted (and have, at times) reached out just one more time to the other half of a broken relationship. today i was thinking about one person who is rarely in my thoughts these days, wondering where she is, wondering if she's changed, and dare i say it, missing her presence in my life. part of it is nostalgia for a period of my life that was, in almost all ways, miserable. what's that about? but i think about sitting on that porch in the summertime, about riding bikes together, those first few weeks of dizzying lust, and i feel weird. not good-weird, or bad-weird. i just wonder if she thinks about those times.

i can "discuss" (read: argue) for hours without feeling satisfied. i can say my fiercest goodbyes to a terrible influence on my self-worth and two years later contemplate inviting them back into my life. for me, there's no such thing as enough closure.


Amanda said...

hmm... I wonder about these people sometimes too. I don't have anything to add. Just a... yep... I think that way too, sometimes.

Anonymous said...

u know i wonder too. never too much closure.

c said...

I think about that kind of stuff a lot, because, as I'm sure you know, that's the way I work. But if I think about it and you think about it, I bet other folks do too.

any TX time this summer?


Centaur Cunningman said...

been waitin for that next blog post a while now...

Lauren said...

I think about it. Remember me? Hi!

-Lauren R.